A Little Beaver Humor

I'm feeling inspired. Gather 'round children and let me tell you about Zombeavers! A truly terrible movie that I enjoyed every moment of! It starts with two rednecks driving down a backwoods road and they're hauling, you guessed it, toxic waste. (And may I say, John Mayer has never looked better. Hairy and dull-witted suites him.) Later we follow three young co-eds into the middle of nowhere to an empty cabin (because why not, right?). Where after a prerequisite boob shot in the lake, the ladies' boyfriends appear. Next thing ya know there is zombified beaver in the shower! No one believes its zombified though (they never do, do they? Sigh.) so they ignore the obvious and go back to frolicking about. A quick dip in the lake leads to a little dismemberment for one of the boys. But do you know what they've learned? That the beavers are friggin' zombies! So begins the true gore and chaos. It was wonderful! The only down sides to this movie was the dude I liked died early on and the one I wanted to die? He lived far longer then necessary. And at the close we saw the return of our bumbling rednecks, causing yet more anarchy. The best part children? There's a potential sequel called-  wait for it... Zombees!

Sex and Religion

  I have just watched what is probably the weirdest movie I've seen to date. It's called Love Exposure. Ok, how do I explain what its about without weirding anyone out? Hmmm. There isn't any way to do it. So prudes beware!
  I should start by telling you this is a Japanese movie, therefore its subtitled, anyway this story is about a boy. Yu had a normal life until his mother died. Then his father becomes a priest, gets a girlfriend (secretly of course), and is then he dumped and goes alittle bananas. Now dad is obsessed with sin. More to the point he's obsessed with Yu's sin. So poor Yu starts making up sins to confess... but his dad can see right through him. So now Yu decides the best course of action is to actually start doing bad things, so he'll have something to tell his dad. (Cause that's totally normal, right?) He makes friends with some local hoodlums and he starts a life of petty crime. His friends then take him to the Head Pervert to teach him 'the way'. (Oy vey.) The way meaning taking up-skirt photos. Well it turns out Yu's really good. Thing is, it doesn't really do anything for Yu but it really pisses off his dad, so he keeps it up. And that's how he gains the attention of a cult aka the Zero Church. (Yup, this movie just keeps getting weirder.) Then Yu meets the girl of his dreams, Yoko, she's a man-hater but she's Catholic and reminds him of the Virgin Mary. (Sigh.) Did I mention that when he meets her he's in drag? Yeah, cause he is. She thinks he's a girl and falls for "Miss Scorpion". Also dad and his ex get back together and guess what? Ex-girlfriend has adopted a daughter... Yoko. Now they live together. Poor Yu, how does he tell the girl that he loves who's his pseudo-sister that he's her lady-crush?

  So remember the cult? Yeah, one nutbar member (Keiko) tells Yoko that shes Ms Scorpion so that she can convert her. Now Yu's love/sorta sister is in a lesbian relationship with a fake Ms Scorpion. In the meantime Yu has become famous among perverts and is sorta famous. And thats about when Keiko outs him as a pervert. She exposes his photos to the whole school and his family. Everyone turns on him, except his dirtbag friends. (At least they're loyal.) His whole family joins the cult. Yu does the only thing he can think of. He kidnaps Yoko. (To save her!) Where he keeps her in a broke down bus on the beach. (For some reason.) The cult finds them. They threaten to cut off his manly bits if he doesn't convert..... He converts. Or does he? Nope. He's just trying to take down the cult from within. But when that doesn't work, he does what anybody would do. He puts on his Ms Scorpion costume and goes on a murderous rampage  killing people left and right, trying to find Yoko. (I know. I was as surprised as you are.) When he finds her (and the rest of his family) she's not too keen on going with him. So he blows part of the building up to bring the cops in. Who then arrest him for killing all of those people. (Yeaaa.) But brightside: the cult is shutdown! And Yoko is sent to live with some nice normal relatives. Downside? Yu is put in an asylum. Where he thinks he's Ms Scorpion. (Really.) While staying with normal folks Yoko makes some startling realizations. (Yu was Ms Scorpion! He saved her from a cult! Twice!) So she goes to see him. Ms Scorpion has no idea who Yoko is. So Yoko takes Yu's tactic. Screaming, crying, and assault. She locks out the nursing staff and shakes Yu trying to remind him of who he is and who she is. Ms Scorpion thinks this bitch is cah-razy! The police arrive, kick down the door, and pull her away. (Hmmm dejavu?) In the scuffle Yoko drops her compact beside Yu's bed. He looks down.. and can see up his own (hospital gown) skirt. (WTF? I am a man?) Then he remembers everything, runs out of the hospital (chased by everyone) and chases after Yoko (who's in the back of a police car). She all but strangles the cop driving to get him to stop. Then Yu busts the window out with his elbow. (Really? Just try the door.) Takes Yoko's hand and... the credits roll.

  No. Seriously. It's a real movie. I couldn't make this up if I tried. Also I just saved you four hours. Yeah, four hours. You're welcome. Unless you're like me... I kinda liked it. That may say something about me.

Oops

Ya know, I've noticed I never actually deliver the movies I promise. If I say I'm gonna review Elvira I'll do a Korean film instead. Or if I say I'll do a John Waters movie, I actually end up doing some cookie cutter fluff. I guess I should stop promising anything ahead of time and just wait till I find a movie that sparks my interest. So, you're in for another long wait.

Who Wants A Little Blood?

Let me tell you about my new favorite movie! It's so effin' good! It's kinda like The Professional meets Man on Fire. So if you liked either of those you'll really enjoy this: The Man From Nowhere.

Cha Tae-sik lives quietly as a pawnbroker. The only person he has any contact with is the little girl who lives next door Jeong So-mi. She follows Tae-sik around and talks to him about any and everything (whether he likes it or not). When Hyo-jeong (So-mi's mother) and her pimp steal heroin offa the local dealers, it unleashes all kinds of hell. The vice squad has been staking out this gang for a while and are not very happy to have lost their evidence. They can't get a conviction because there were no drugs at the bust. So they're pissed. (Btw, the cops kick some serious ass!) Hyo-jeong wants more money for her services rendered (tasing a dude and stealing heroin is kind of a big deal) so now she needs to hide the junk. She puts it in a camera bag and then pawns it. So when several angry drug dealers show up at her apartment (well, more of a hovel really) they're rather annoyed to find the drugs gone. So-mi, unfortunately, comes home to a house full of bad guys. After a little inventive torture, drug dealer Jong-seok, finds out about the camera bag.


When Tae-sik comes home to bad guys, he's completely unfazed. He tells them they're in the wrong place and to beat it. When the smaller of the two henchmen pulls a knife on Tae-sik, he just takes it from him. This is where he first meets Ramrowan, (Jong-seok's pet psychopath). He gets a call from his boss and puts Tae-sik on the phone. He's told that they've taken So-mi and her mother and if he wants them to live to play nice. He immediately hands over the bag. Ramrowan shoots the big henchman and leaves him on the floor of the pawnshop. He also leaves his cell for Tae-sik. Jong-seok and his brother Man-seok need a new delivery boy, so they send Tae-sik on a job. If he does well they'll let mother and daughter go. He steals a car, then picks up a toy truck 'o' drugs (from an out of order locker?), and heads to the drop point (a golf course?) where he's told to give the package to Mr. Oh. Little does he know that Mr. Oh is the Seok brothers' biggest competitor. The brothers call Mr. Oh to let him know that they've dropped the dime on the deal to the cops. Mr. Oh's thugs beat the hell out of Tae-sik and throw him out a window (thankfully he lands on a golfball net). The cops swarm the building but Mr. Oh escapes through a back door... right below Tae-sik. (A very pissed Tae-sik!) The police have blocked the parking lot exit so Mr. Oh wheels his car around to try and find another way out, only to run right into Tae-sik's car. He gets out to deliver Mr. Oh to a world of pain but stops as he reaches the (now open) trunk. Inside is the butchered body of Hyo-jeong (So-mi's mom). The police catch up to him here and jump to all the wrong conclusions.

He's not being real forthcoming with the police and his records are sealed. So again they assume the worst. Clearly he's in cohoots with the drug dealers and he murdered the woman in the car. When the police identify Hyo-jeong they head to her apartment to determine her connection to Tae-sik and Mr. Oh. Which leads them to the pawnshop and big man's body. (Uh oh.) While most of the officers are out searching his apartment, Tae-sik is kicking the living shit outta six policemen, and making his way out of the station. (He doesn't have time for questions! He has a little girl to save dammit!) After tossing a loanshark's security team around the room he learns what the brothers' real business is, selling stolen organs on the black market, and where the younger brother likes to do business. (A night club of course.) Meanwhile the cops find out more about Tae-sik's past. He was formerly a black ops agent until he witnessed his pregnant wife get run down, after which he was shot twice in the chest. (And the police are chasing him. I say let the man do what he needs to do!) Once Tae-sik knows where the action is, he makes his presence known. By using a hatchet. And later the little henchman's own knife. With a few turns of said knife he finds out that So-mi is being used as an "ant". But before he can get her location Ramrowan shows up and shoots the little henchman. Then they throw down! But the fight moves out onto the dance floor and they're stopped. (No violence in front of the customers!) Plus the police have shown up. (Crap. They are always where he doesn't need them.)

The cops grab a man smuggling drugs and shake him down for information. (This is where we find out what an "ant" is. Yay!) He tells them how the Seok's organization is using little kids to make drug drops for them. The kids can go from place to place without any interference from police and as an added bonus when they're old enough their organs are harvested. (Cue my dropped jaw.) Tae-sik finds a claw-machine with the same out of order sign as the one at his pickup point and stakes it out. When a little boy pulls a toy truck out of the machine, Tae-sik follows him to a meth house. He watches horrified as little children are forced by Jong-seok to cook crank. (He leisurely strolls through the house shooting every adult he finds.) Jong-seok tries to make a run for it but Tae-sik shoots him in the leg. (And now it's time to make a deal!) He uses Jong-seok's cell to call Man-seok (either deliver So-mi or Jong-seok dies). Man-seok doesn't respond well to the sounds of his brother being shot repeatedly with a nail gun. So he orders So-mi's eyes to be ripped out. Tae-sik doesn't like the implied violence towards So-mi, so he sets up a crack bomb and leaves Jong-seok to watch. Up close. (Real close.)

When Man-seok sets up a meeting with him, it doesn't go so well, he wants to know where So-mi is. Man-seok tosses him a glass tube. Inside are a pair of brown eyes. (Then Man-seok taunts him, not cool man, not cool.) Tae-sik loses his shit. He officially has nothing to live for. (Meaning? It's time for everyone to die! Can you say epic knife fight?!) Ramrowan draws down a bead on Tae-sik but doesn't pull the trigger, instead watches him kill every other person in the room. It seems he's a little impressed by Tae-sik's skills. He wants to go mano y mano. Blade to blade. When the fight is done (a very bloody) Tae-sik takes off after Man-seok (who ran! The coward!). He tries to drive off but Tae-sik shoots out his tires, making him spin out and hit a pole. As Tae-sik closes in on him, he calls the law! (Help! There's a crazed gunman coming for me! Eeee!) Tae-sik climbs on top of the car and shoots the moonroof. But nothing happens. (Damn bulletproof glass!) He drops onto the hood and glares down at Man-seok. (Who really needs to learn when the hell keep his mouth shut. You can't get me! Is not anyway to talk to a man who really really wants you dead.) All Tae-sik really needs is a little hole in windshield. (I don't think Man-seok knew that if you shoot the same spot over and over at close range, it'll eventually break the glass.) With Man-seok dead Tae-sik has nothing more to live for. With police sirens closing in, he raises the gun to his head. (You don't really think that's how it ends do you?) Just before he pulls the trigger, he hears a little voice calling to him. It's So-mi! She's alive! (And has both of her eyes! Huzzah!) All's well that ends well... until the cops arrive. (I guess they really didn't like him killing all of those people. But, come on, they had it coming!) They arrest him but let the two of them sit together in the back of the police car. With a final hug the credits roll.


I love a happy ending. Well semi-happy ending. I'm just glad neither of them died, lets put it that way. I like to think that in a few years Tae-sik gets out of prison (early for good behavior) and the two of them are reunited. But I am a bit of a softie at heart. (She says after watching a movie full of violence and death.) And yes it is a Korean movie so it is subtitled. But don't let that scare you away.

Sorry

No, I haven't forgotten about this page. I've just been really busy. I will be back! Hopefully very soon. Work, man, always cutting into my sitting around time. I've decided to do Elvira, Mistress of the Dark for my next movie. I don't think anyone can dispute the Awesomely Bad-ness of this particular selection. But oh how I love it. (As a kid I pretty much wanted to be Elvira.) Hmmm. Perhaps it's her influence that's led me here, mocking the movies I love and loath the most. (Though mostly love.)

Bruce Campbell Forever

Now the debate over how Awesomely Bad this movie is, has raged since the day it came out. I'm of the party that believes it's simply Awesome incarnate, but then that's just me (and thousands and thousands of fellow loyal fans). And so, now, I will tell you about one of my favorite movies of all time. Army of Darkness. If anyone were to quote any part of this movie to me, we would become insta-friends. Even if you called me a primitive screw-head. I would be your BFF. Seriously.

This is technically the third movie in a trilogy but it's not necessary to see the previous two. By all means do, but you don't have to. Our hero is Ash, who with a couple of friends goes to a empty cabin in the woods. Where they find a book. An evil book. (Please insert creepy music.) Being stupid teenagers/early twenties horror movie characters, they read the book aloud. (You know the book that appears to be bound in human skin, and is seemingly written in blood. Yeah. That book.) Then people get possessed, they die, come back... you know the usual. Ash's hand get possessed so he cuts it off ( I'd like to point out this movie came out way before Idle Hands, thank you very much.) with a chainsaw. Then he gets sucked into a vortex. Mind you all of this happened in the first and second movies. But you get a nice recap at the beginning. Army of Darkness starts with him coming out of the vortex, into the (dun dun Duh) past! He has to stop the hordes of Deadites from getting their rotting hands on the Necronomicon (aka the evil book) and destroying the world.
So basically we're doomed. Because all Ash is really concerned with is getting back home, and maybe getting a little something (wink wink, nudge nudge) on the side. Really watch this movie if you've never seen it. I can't emphasize this enough. It could change your life!... I'm not sure how but, you know, maybe. If you have seen it, watch it again and think of me. And always, always, always! Hail to the king, Baby! Bruce Campbell forever.

NERDSSSSS!!!!

Since I'm being lazy I think I'll move this one over too. Everyone's seen Revenge of the Nerds right? And all
of it's subsequent sequels? Actually don't bother with the sequels, not worth the time or effort. Unless you're just one of those people who has to finish things. Compulsive finisher. Weirdy.
Anyway for those who haven't seen it, RotN is about these two geeky (and super pasty) best friends Gilbert and Lewis who have just started college. They think everything is going to be different, no longer will they be looked down on for being academically minded. They're in COLLEGE! (whooo!) Yeah, well, no such luck. They are hated and bullied by the jock Alpha Beta frat. After our lovable nerd's freshman dorm is burned down, they must find a frat to take them in or face living in the gym. (On cots. Ewww.) So after much searching they find Lambda Lambda Lambda, an all African-American fraternity. Mhmmm. (Remember the part about them being pasty?) Things are not looking too good for our nerds. They throw a party to prove to the heads of the fraternity that they have the swagger to be Lambda Lambda Lambda. It's a disaster due to meddling by the Alpha Betas, luckily the head of the Tri-Lams takes pity on our boys and they become official! Yay! Once they have their own frat, it's war! To take it to a whole other level Lewis develops a crush on head jock Stan Gable's girlfriend Betty (who's head of the Pi-Delta-Pi sorority). After a very memorable seen between Betty and Lewis (that I won't ruin for you but, I will say, you'll never look at Darth Vader the same way again.), Betty begins to see nerds in a whole new light. "Jocks only think about sports, nerds only think about sex." Gee I wonder why she has a change of heart? Let me see, a jock asshole who treats you like crap or the sweet (sex-obsessed) nerd who wants to, ummmm "service" you? Yeah. Right. That will take some thought. Not. By the end, the good guys (the nerds, for those of you not paying attention) succeed and the bad guys (the jocks) walk away in shame. So if you like to see the underdog win, this movie is for you. Or if you just like to see a lot of T&A then this is definitely the movie for you. It's not quite as bad as Porky's but it's close. "That's my Pi."