Oops

Ya know, I've noticed I never actually deliver the movies I promise. If I say I'm gonna review Elvira I'll do a Korean film instead. Or if I say I'll do a John Waters movie, I actually end up doing some cookie cutter fluff. I guess I should stop promising anything ahead of time and just wait till I find a movie that sparks my interest. So, you're in for another long wait.

Who Wants A Little Blood?

Let me tell you about my new favorite movie! It's so effin' good! It's kinda like The Professional meets Man on Fire. So if you liked either of those you'll really enjoy this: The Man From Nowhere.

Cha Tae-sik lives quietly as a pawnbroker. The only person he has any contact with is the little girl who lives next door Jeong So-mi. She follows Tae-sik around and talks to him about any and everything (whether he likes it or not). When Hyo-jeong (So-mi's mother) and her pimp steal heroin offa the local dealers, it unleashes all kinds of hell. The vice squad has been staking out this gang for a while and are not very happy to have lost their evidence. They can't get a conviction because there were no drugs at the bust. So they're pissed. (Btw, the cops kick some serious ass!) Hyo-jeong wants more money for her services rendered (tasing a dude and stealing heroin is kind of a big deal) so now she needs to hide the junk. She puts it in a camera bag and then pawns it. So when several angry drug dealers show up at her apartment (well, more of a hovel really) they're rather annoyed to find the drugs gone. So-mi, unfortunately, comes home to a house full of bad guys. After a little inventive torture, drug dealer Jong-seok, finds out about the camera bag.


When Tae-sik comes home to bad guys, he's completely unfazed. He tells them they're in the wrong place and to beat it. When the smaller of the two henchmen pulls a knife on Tae-sik, he just takes it from him. This is where he first meets Ramrowan, (Jong-seok's pet psychopath). He gets a call from his boss and puts Tae-sik on the phone. He's told that they've taken So-mi and her mother and if he wants them to live to play nice. He immediately hands over the bag. Ramrowan shoots the big henchman and leaves him on the floor of the pawnshop. He also leaves his cell for Tae-sik. Jong-seok and his brother Man-seok need a new delivery boy, so they send Tae-sik on a job. If he does well they'll let mother and daughter go. He steals a car, then picks up a toy truck 'o' drugs (from an out of order locker?), and heads to the drop point (a golf course?) where he's told to give the package to Mr. Oh. Little does he know that Mr. Oh is the Seok brothers' biggest competitor. The brothers call Mr. Oh to let him know that they've dropped the dime on the deal to the cops. Mr. Oh's thugs beat the hell out of Tae-sik and throw him out a window (thankfully he lands on a golfball net). The cops swarm the building but Mr. Oh escapes through a back door... right below Tae-sik. (A very pissed Tae-sik!) The police have blocked the parking lot exit so Mr. Oh wheels his car around to try and find another way out, only to run right into Tae-sik's car. He gets out to deliver Mr. Oh to a world of pain but stops as he reaches the (now open) trunk. Inside is the butchered body of Hyo-jeong (So-mi's mom). The police catch up to him here and jump to all the wrong conclusions.

He's not being real forthcoming with the police and his records are sealed. So again they assume the worst. Clearly he's in cohoots with the drug dealers and he murdered the woman in the car. When the police identify Hyo-jeong they head to her apartment to determine her connection to Tae-sik and Mr. Oh. Which leads them to the pawnshop and big man's body. (Uh oh.) While most of the officers are out searching his apartment, Tae-sik is kicking the living shit outta six policemen, and making his way out of the station. (He doesn't have time for questions! He has a little girl to save dammit!) After tossing a loanshark's security team around the room he learns what the brothers' real business is, selling stolen organs on the black market, and where the younger brother likes to do business. (A night club of course.) Meanwhile the cops find out more about Tae-sik's past. He was formerly a black ops agent until he witnessed his pregnant wife get run down, after which he was shot twice in the chest. (And the police are chasing him. I say let the man do what he needs to do!) Once Tae-sik knows where the action is, he makes his presence known. By using a hatchet. And later the little henchman's own knife. With a few turns of said knife he finds out that So-mi is being used as an "ant". But before he can get her location Ramrowan shows up and shoots the little henchman. Then they throw down! But the fight moves out onto the dance floor and they're stopped. (No violence in front of the customers!) Plus the police have shown up. (Crap. They are always where he doesn't need them.)

The cops grab a man smuggling drugs and shake him down for information. (This is where we find out what an "ant" is. Yay!) He tells them how the Seok's organization is using little kids to make drug drops for them. The kids can go from place to place without any interference from police and as an added bonus when they're old enough their organs are harvested. (Cue my dropped jaw.) Tae-sik finds a claw-machine with the same out of order sign as the one at his pickup point and stakes it out. When a little boy pulls a toy truck out of the machine, Tae-sik follows him to a meth house. He watches horrified as little children are forced by Jong-seok to cook crank. (He leisurely strolls through the house shooting every adult he finds.) Jong-seok tries to make a run for it but Tae-sik shoots him in the leg. (And now it's time to make a deal!) He uses Jong-seok's cell to call Man-seok (either deliver So-mi or Jong-seok dies). Man-seok doesn't respond well to the sounds of his brother being shot repeatedly with a nail gun. So he orders So-mi's eyes to be ripped out. Tae-sik doesn't like the implied violence towards So-mi, so he sets up a crack bomb and leaves Jong-seok to watch. Up close. (Real close.)

When Man-seok sets up a meeting with him, it doesn't go so well, he wants to know where So-mi is. Man-seok tosses him a glass tube. Inside are a pair of brown eyes. (Then Man-seok taunts him, not cool man, not cool.) Tae-sik loses his shit. He officially has nothing to live for. (Meaning? It's time for everyone to die! Can you say epic knife fight?!) Ramrowan draws down a bead on Tae-sik but doesn't pull the trigger, instead watches him kill every other person in the room. It seems he's a little impressed by Tae-sik's skills. He wants to go mano y mano. Blade to blade. When the fight is done (a very bloody) Tae-sik takes off after Man-seok (who ran! The coward!). He tries to drive off but Tae-sik shoots out his tires, making him spin out and hit a pole. As Tae-sik closes in on him, he calls the law! (Help! There's a crazed gunman coming for me! Eeee!) Tae-sik climbs on top of the car and shoots the moonroof. But nothing happens. (Damn bulletproof glass!) He drops onto the hood and glares down at Man-seok. (Who really needs to learn when the hell keep his mouth shut. You can't get me! Is not anyway to talk to a man who really really wants you dead.) All Tae-sik really needs is a little hole in windshield. (I don't think Man-seok knew that if you shoot the same spot over and over at close range, it'll eventually break the glass.) With Man-seok dead Tae-sik has nothing more to live for. With police sirens closing in, he raises the gun to his head. (You don't really think that's how it ends do you?) Just before he pulls the trigger, he hears a little voice calling to him. It's So-mi! She's alive! (And has both of her eyes! Huzzah!) All's well that ends well... until the cops arrive. (I guess they really didn't like him killing all of those people. But, come on, they had it coming!) They arrest him but let the two of them sit together in the back of the police car. With a final hug the credits roll.


I love a happy ending. Well semi-happy ending. I'm just glad neither of them died, lets put it that way. I like to think that in a few years Tae-sik gets out of prison (early for good behavior) and the two of them are reunited. But I am a bit of a softie at heart. (She says after watching a movie full of violence and death.) And yes it is a Korean movie so it is subtitled. But don't let that scare you away.

Sorry

No, I haven't forgotten about this page. I've just been really busy. I will be back! Hopefully very soon. Work, man, always cutting into my sitting around time. I've decided to do Elvira, Mistress of the Dark for my next movie. I don't think anyone can dispute the Awesomely Bad-ness of this particular selection. But oh how I love it. (As a kid I pretty much wanted to be Elvira.) Hmmm. Perhaps it's her influence that's led me here, mocking the movies I love and loath the most. (Though mostly love.)

Bruce Campbell Forever

Now the debate over how Awesomely Bad this movie is, has raged since the day it came out. I'm of the party that believes it's simply Awesome incarnate, but then that's just me (and thousands and thousands of fellow loyal fans). And so, now, I will tell you about one of my favorite movies of all time. Army of Darkness. If anyone were to quote any part of this movie to me, we would become insta-friends. Even if you called me a primitive screw-head. I would be your BFF. Seriously.

This is technically the third movie in a trilogy but it's not necessary to see the previous two. By all means do, but you don't have to. Our hero is Ash, who with a couple of friends goes to a empty cabin in the woods. Where they find a book. An evil book. (Please insert creepy music.) Being stupid teenagers/early twenties horror movie characters, they read the book aloud. (You know the book that appears to be bound in human skin, and is seemingly written in blood. Yeah. That book.) Then people get possessed, they die, come back... you know the usual. Ash's hand get possessed so he cuts it off ( I'd like to point out this movie came out way before Idle Hands, thank you very much.) with a chainsaw. Then he gets sucked into a vortex. Mind you all of this happened in the first and second movies. But you get a nice recap at the beginning. Army of Darkness starts with him coming out of the vortex, into the (dun dun Duh) past! He has to stop the hordes of Deadites from getting their rotting hands on the Necronomicon (aka the evil book) and destroying the world.
So basically we're doomed. Because all Ash is really concerned with is getting back home, and maybe getting a little something (wink wink, nudge nudge) on the side. Really watch this movie if you've never seen it. I can't emphasize this enough. It could change your life!... I'm not sure how but, you know, maybe. If you have seen it, watch it again and think of me. And always, always, always! Hail to the king, Baby! Bruce Campbell forever.

NERDSSSSS!!!!

Since I'm being lazy I think I'll move this one over too. Everyone's seen Revenge of the Nerds right? And all
of it's subsequent sequels? Actually don't bother with the sequels, not worth the time or effort. Unless you're just one of those people who has to finish things. Compulsive finisher. Weirdy.
Anyway for those who haven't seen it, RotN is about these two geeky (and super pasty) best friends Gilbert and Lewis who have just started college. They think everything is going to be different, no longer will they be looked down on for being academically minded. They're in COLLEGE! (whooo!) Yeah, well, no such luck. They are hated and bullied by the jock Alpha Beta frat. After our lovable nerd's freshman dorm is burned down, they must find a frat to take them in or face living in the gym. (On cots. Ewww.) So after much searching they find Lambda Lambda Lambda, an all African-American fraternity. Mhmmm. (Remember the part about them being pasty?) Things are not looking too good for our nerds. They throw a party to prove to the heads of the fraternity that they have the swagger to be Lambda Lambda Lambda. It's a disaster due to meddling by the Alpha Betas, luckily the head of the Tri-Lams takes pity on our boys and they become official! Yay! Once they have their own frat, it's war! To take it to a whole other level Lewis develops a crush on head jock Stan Gable's girlfriend Betty (who's head of the Pi-Delta-Pi sorority). After a very memorable seen between Betty and Lewis (that I won't ruin for you but, I will say, you'll never look at Darth Vader the same way again.), Betty begins to see nerds in a whole new light. "Jocks only think about sports, nerds only think about sex." Gee I wonder why she has a change of heart? Let me see, a jock asshole who treats you like crap or the sweet (sex-obsessed) nerd who wants to, ummmm "service" you? Yeah. Right. That will take some thought. Not. By the end, the good guys (the nerds, for those of you not paying attention) succeed and the bad guys (the jocks) walk away in shame. So if you like to see the underdog win, this movie is for you. Or if you just like to see a lot of T&A then this is definitely the movie for you. It's not quite as bad as Porky's but it's close. "That's my Pi."

I Pity the Fool

I'd had this posted over at Geek Girl but I feel like it would be better appreciated here. So I'm moving it. Yay! Yeah I know it's lazy, so what.
It's dark and wonderfully stormy tonight. I'm thinking it's the type of weather for a horror movie. You know, something to really perk me up. Hmm. What shall it be? Oh! The People Under The Stairs! I have loved this movie since I was little. Kinda tells ya what kind of kid I was... You know, a weird one. It's a Wes Craven movie, so you know it's awesome. The story's about a kid named Fool who breaks into his landlord's house. On the surface it looks normal enough, it's everything a suburban house should be, the inside however is.... dark. See, there's the basement. The couple who live here  have been collecting young boys, trying to find the very best to call their son. Mom and Dad (are never given actual names. Just Mom and Dad. Strange.) have tried so hard to find a good son but these boys just keep letting them down. They've even tried a little home surgery to fix what they deem as the problem with each one. In Roach's case he talked back, so he had his tongue cut out. The other boys have been kept in the basement so long they've gone kind of... feral. They're barely human anymore. Chalk white skin, sunken eyes, and poor vocabularies! And no personal hygiene to speak of. (Boys! Sigh. Just because you're locked in a filthy basement is no excuse not to floss. Just saying.)

And this is the house Fool finds himself trapped inside, it's locked down like Fort Knox. The only way in or out is the front door and the back door, which are both bolted all of the time. When the couple discover Fool, the hunt is on. When he finds himself in the basement he kind of thinks the boys down there want to eat him. And they just might, if given half the chance.When he meets Roach he has a glimmer of hope. Roach has been roaming all around the house behind the walls for some time now. Mom and Dad are too big to fit there. But the emaciated teen and his new 12 year old friend fit just fine. Alice is Mom and Dad's only daughter, they only keep her around because she does what she's told. (When she doesn't they chain her up in the attic.) She tries to help Fool get out, and after a while Fool convinces her to get away with him. If she stays in that house Mom and Dad will eventually kill her. Or give her to her brothers in the basement. It's only a matter of time.

Rex Manning Day

Um, ok I know I said I was going to do one about space pirates but, well, I lied. Really, actually I just changed my mind, though I may do that at a later time. Instead I'm going to do Empire Records! I had forgotten how much I really like this movie.

Lucas has just been given a great opportunity to prove himself to Joe (his boss/father-figure). All he has to do is successfully close the record shop where they work, on his own. He's doing fine. Until he snoops in Joe's desk and finds details of a buyout, thus making independent Empire Records (yay!) into a corporate Music Town (boo!hiss!). So Lucas makes an executive decision. He takes the total earnings of the day ($9,000) and heads to Atlantic City. (Btw, damn! I should point out that this movie was made back, you know, when music actually made money.)  He blows it all on one roll of the dice. (Ouch.) The next day AJ and Mark head to the Empire to open, outside they run into Lucas (who is only now realizing the extent of his dumbassery). He tells them what he's done and (in case they ever wonder after he's been murdered by Joe) that he's always truly enjoyed their friendship. Then he hauls ass away because Joe has just arrived. Within minutes of being inside the store they get a call from the bank... then another from the owner of the store (Mitchell). It seems that the bank didn't get a deposit from Empire Records last night or this morning, strange yes? AJ and Mark try to play it cool, they don't want to rat out their friend, but immediately Mark starts sweating bullets. Joe (rightly) is freaking out. He searches his desk, the safe, even the cupboards thinking that maybe Lucas just forgot it there in the store. It is this moment that AJ wants to a have a man to man talk with Joe. See AJ is in love with Corey (who we'll meet momentarily) and he thinks today is the day to tell her. Right.

Joe, apparently, is an optimist. So he stalls. He tells Mitchell and the bank that it was just a mistake and that he'll deliver the money personally.... later...ish. In the meantime he needs to find Lucas. Right about now we meet Corey and Gina. Corey is the ultimate all-American girl, she gets good grades, is well liked and she's perky too! Gina is her slightly slutty sidekick, a short skirt and too much cleavage kind of girl. And they're about to clock in, but not before AJ gives them a rundown of whats been happening this morning, the unedited version (but pssst don't tell Joe). Mark is looking very edgy so Joe (who's still having a quiet and much deserved meltdown) puts the evil eye on him and Mark caves! Tells him exactly what went down, so Joe puts AJ on the task of tracking down Lucas, which AJ really doesn't want to do. Luckily he doesn't have to look far. Lucas is already in the store, he's decided to face the music.... and Joe. "Where's the money?" "Joe, the money is gone." "Yeah, I know it's gone... but where's it gone to?"  "Atlantic City." "Atlantic City?... Is it coming back from Atlantic City?"  "Oh, I don't think so, Joe."  "What's it doing in Atlantic City, Lucas?"  "...Recirculating." What's Joe to do? Call his boss back to tell him the money was stolen? Or... wait. Not really much of a choice there. He waits. Maybe Lucas needed the money? Maybe he was in trouble?

 It's about here that Deb arrives and she is the polar opposite of Corey. She's pierced, tattooed and (my favorite) hostile. She heads straight to the bathroom, where she stays for an alarming amount of time. Joe goes to his office to fret after threatening bodily harm to Lucas if he leaves the breakroom couch. The boys discuss what's going to happen, Lucas is creepily calm about everything he's downright zen. And now we finally see why Deb's been in the bathroom for so damn long, she's shaved her head. (Even nearly bald Robin Tunney is prettier then most girls. Sometimes life is just unfair. Sigh.) We also discover she's got a bandaged wrist. (Hmmmm. What could that mean?) AJ follows her into the store to keep an eye on her. Mark has wondered off to do.... something. Possibly having to do with work, or special brownies. Lucas is alone and he's been on that couch for awhile now. Like forever. He's not to leave the couch though, remember... but his butt is numb. So he takes a couch cushion with him into the store. (I mean, technically he hasn't left the couch. Right?) While on the sales floor helping customers, (such a good employee!) he spots a suspicious looking kid. Shoplifter! The kid takes off and Lucas gives chase, around and through the store. He finally manages to catch him and take him to the breakroom for safe keeping till the police show up. He tells them his name is Warren Beatty. They really seem to like calling him Warren. Alot.

 All of this simply could not have happened on a worse day for Joe. It's Rex Manning Day dammit! A pop star is going to be in the store signing autographs and his whole staff has lost it. Speaking of Rex Manning... guess who's just arrived?! And guess who Corey has been crazy in love (!obsessed!) with for year and years? (If you guessed Rex Manning you're right!) She plans to give her virginity to him today on Rex Manning Day. (Everyone all together now: EWWWW!!) The cops finally come to collect Warren, but he can't believe Joe is putting him away for a couple of cds when Lucas stole 9 grand! (Ugh!) It's here that we meet the final (important) Empire employee, Berko. (He's a musician. We know this because he seems to have his guitar on at all times.) He's looking for Deb. When he finds her (and her new haircut) he's rather concerned. Does this have anything to do with our breakup last night? Nope. Ok then. It seems everyone in the store at one point or another takes a turn trying to fix Deb. Meanwhile Rex Manning is signing for his fans... who've all seen better days, lemme tell ya. So blah blah blah... Corey is obsessing over throwing herself at Rex, AJ has given himself a time limit in which to tell Corey he loves her and it is fast approaching (1:37 to be exact), and Joe has finally gotten around to telling  everyone they're going to be doomed to corporate hell. They're going to be turned into a Music Town (boo!hiss!), thanks to Lucas. Joe's going to have use the money he's been saving to offer on Empire (and you know save it) to cover what Lucas spent.

So Corey makes her play for Rex and is brutally rejected! Unbelievable! So she goes to the roof to have a good cry. AJ just happens to be up there to fix the sign (which for some unexplained reason has gone out) and he thinks its, like, fate that she came up to roof just then. Because it was getting really close to his cutoff time. She's just been dumped by her longtime (sorta) love, could they do this later? But he goes ahead and professes his undying love, Corey doesn't really want to hear it. Needless to say he's crushed. (Ouchies, my soul.) So Corey goes to lunch with Gina to take her mind off of things. It doesn't go well. Gina tells Corey she'll meet another guy she can boink. Corey informs her that she isn't like Gina, she can't just sleep with any guy to feel better. So Gina calls her an uptight prude and storms off. It's getting rather catty, isn't it? Now, if you were slutty and mad at your best friend and said BFF's long time crush was around... What. Would. You. Do? Seduce him in the "countdown" room, duh!  The whole store's staff has assembled outside the door once they've realized that Rex and Gina are MIA. (But seriously? Who's running the store?)  And wouldn't you know it, here comes Corey. What's everyone doing in front of this door? What's that strange noise? Gee, where's Rex? Hmm, where's Gina? And out walks Gina, followed by Rex, both looking very disheveled. (Personally I would've liked nothing better then an old school catfight, but no they just used their words.) Gina totally outs Corey as a closet speed freak (gasp!). She's been popping diet pills for ages! (OMG!) AJ does not use his words, instead he chooses to use his fists. He goes at Rex with everything he's got but he's quickly pulled off by Lucas and Joe. Rex uses this as an opportunity for a  total cheap shot. Gives poor AJ a blackeye. Then he's out the door. Gina is sent home shortly after.

Corey then proceeds to flip the hell out! She starts tearing everything within reach apart. It takes all of the boys combined to get her under control (damn, speed makes you strong!). Deb insists that she be the one to help Corey (interesting choice there), so they head to the ladies room to cool down. They do abit of bonding. (We're not so different after all. Mmhmm.) After Corey has calmed down a good bit it's her turn to try and fix Deb. So she invites all of the employees (except Gina) to a mock funeral for Deb. They want to show her that if she did kill herself, she would be greatly missed. It's very sweet but kind of emo really. But I guess it does the trick. (We also learn that Joe is sorta Lucas' foster dad? Or something. It's vague. But it kind of explains why Joe didn't have him arrested.) Plus Gina comes back and hears Corey saying nice things about her, so they makeup. So they're all in the back (except Mark who had to cover the register during the funeral) trying to figure out how to save the store and keep Lucas from going to jail. (Yup. They're screwed.)  Then they hear a gunshot from the storefront! Warren's back and he's got a gun! He's super pissed that Joe had him arrested and not Lucas. I guess Empire Records only hires nutjobs! Does this mean he gets a job there now too? Also his name isn't effing Warren!!!! The cops are called, again, but this time he's got a job waiting for him when he gets out.

Oh and Mark has an idea! (Holy crap, he has an idea!) He runs out front where a news crew is reporting live and announces that Empire Records is having a Damn the Man rave. Come one, come all, at midnight. Donations to save the store are welcome! If you announce free beer on tv, they will come. In droves apparently. Everyone donates and drinks freely. Berko (and his ever present guitar) is finally put to good use. He, his band, and Gina get on the roof and perform for the huge cheering crowd below. The nine thousand  dollars that Lucas spent is quickly made back, and then some. Mitchell has come to see what the hell is happening at his store. Joe tells him that he's quitting, and as soon as Empire Records is a Music Town (boo!hiss!) that he's going to open his own record store. And put Mitchell out of business. Mitchell takes one look around at the absolute anarchy around him and makes Joe an offer he can't refuse. He'll sell him Empire Records, for cheap. Real cheap.

Oh and by the way. Corey and AJ totally end up together. Yay! I love happy endings! So there you have a very fine example of mid-90's movie awesomeness.

Sneak Preview

I've been debating which movie to do next and I think I've come to a decision finally. I'm going to do one of my favorite bad movies. It's about pirates in space. (I may eventually do another about truckers in space.) Good stuff. Pretty much anything "in space" can make for an awesomely bad movie. Anyway, more on it's way.